Breaking the Stigma: Conversations About BPD - 231

Let's talk BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Mentioning it on a date can feel like announcing you collect creepy porcelain dolls – people get spooked! But here's the deal: most of what you hear about BPD is simply untrue. Let's debunk some myths, shall we?

Myth #1: Manipulative Masterminds? Not Quite.

Okay, sometimes our behaviors might seem like we're playing emotional chess. But trust me, the drama is all about self-preservation, not some grand scheme for world domination. When emotions are a rollercoaster, the fear of being abandoned feels like the end of the world. We just want to avoid getting dumped, not win an award for best actress. This myth takes a tiny truth and blows it way out of proportion.

Myth #2: It's Just a Phase, Get Over It.

Ugh, this one's a real eye-roller. Here come the "experts" with their unsolicited advice on how to "fix" you. "Just snap out of it!" they say. Easy for them to say from their comfy, non-BPD bubble. BPD is complex, with a biological component that positive thinking alone won't cure. It's a lifelong journey that requires management and, you guessed it, therapy.

Myth #3: Kiss Healthy Relationships Goodbye? Not True.

BPD can be a relationship grenade, that much is true. But with some effort (communication, emotional regulation, the whole kit and kaboodle), healthy and fulfilling connections are absolutely possible. It's easy to blame the person with BPD when things go south, but unhealthy communication styles can be a two-way street.

Myth #4: We're Basically Walking Violence

Look, intense anger is part of the BPD package. But that doesn't mean we're ticking time bombs. For example, yours truly? Maybe one or three physical altercations in my entire life. We're actually more likely to turn the anger inward with self-harm. Trust me, hurting ourselves is way easier than hurting others.

Myth #5: There's No Hope!

Wrong! Therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) are superstars at managing BPD symptoms. While I haven't tried DBT myself, traditional talk therapy has been a game-changer. It's brought emotional stability and a newfound understanding of, well, everyone (including yours truly!).

Myth #6: Forget About Your Dream Job

Plenty of people with BPD rock their careers. BPD management varies, but with treatment and self-awareness, it doesn't have to be a career killer. In fact, some BPD traits like creativity, passion, and deep empathy can be super helpful in the workplace. We might excel in creative fields, jobs requiring emotional intelligence, or roles with flexibility.

Myth #7: We're Fragile Flowers

Living with BPD often requires the emotional strength of an ox on Red Bull. We feel things intensely and face challenges that would leave most weeping in a corner. But here's the thing: we develop some pretty impressive coping mechanisms over time. They might not always be healthy, but they're a testament to the daily grind of managing BPD. Therapy can help us develop healthier tools and build emotional resilience in a supportive environment.

Myth #8: Bad Childhood = BPD

BPD is a complex mental health disorder with a mix of genetic and environmental factors. A rough childhood can up the risk, but it's not the only cause. Family history of mental illness and childhood trauma can also play a role. But remember, not everyone with a bad childhood gets BPD, and plenty of people with BPD had happy upbringings.

So, there you have it! The truth about BPD, minus the drama and misconceptions. Hopefully, this sheds some light on what it's really like to live with this condition. There is a plethora of reasons I write about this today. I feel it is something that most of these misconceptions I have ran into and to be perfectly honest, it is difficult to remember exactly the logic and reasoning behind explaining things in real time. So I put this forth for anyone attempting to understand me or anyone else living with BPD. It really helps to try and stretch your mind to imagine how someone else's shoes feel. Who knows, you might even not try and buy them a new pair because you don't like how the ones they have look. Maybe you'll just try to understand them better

Stones of Empathy: Creating Ripples of Understanding - 230

I aimed for daily writing, but after a stressful few days, I allowed myself a couple of days off to recharge. Recently, I spoke with a young woman about her life struggles. Facing a recent break-up, a common theme as young adults navigate self-discovery, she seemed more confused by the other person's actions than her own feelings.

During our conversation, I suggested journaling – describing her feelings on paper or digitally. Articulating her thoughts this way, I explained, would require more specificity than simply saying things were overwhelming or bad. It would allow someone else to truly understand her. While unsure if she'd be receptive, she surprised me.

The next morning, she shared that she'd written half of what she intended the night before, but felt that captured her emotions well. She even admitted feeling a bit better mentally that day. But the real surprise came the next night – she wrote again! I was genuinely impressed by her commitment. She hadn't just heard the benefits of journaling, she'd trusted the process and dived right in. It was already shifting her perspective on her own experiences and feelings.

This encounter reminds me of the countless things I've learned from therapy. Sometimes, I forget how much they've become ingrained in my thoughts and behaviors. It's like dropping a pebble in a still pond and watching the ripples. In this case, the ripples touched the young woman I described. But who knows where else they'll reflect? Perhaps she'll share her experiences with friends, creating even more ripples. This echo of shared knowledge and created space is the heartbeat of humanity, the force that propelled us from wooden wheels to spaceships.

I find this mutual influence fascinating. It's how our character traits are called forth to shine. In these judgment-free spaces, both parties have the chance to explore ideas and thoughts. There's genuine attention and respect for each other's perspectives. While I haven't found the perfect word to describe this type of conversation, I know you've experienced these magical moments too – moments where someone truly listens and isn’t just waiting for their turn to speak. Often times people are doing exactly this, formulating what it is they want to say while you are saying what you want to say. This is not really communication as talking to yourselves in front of each other. It isn’t as useful as when the individuals present genuinely pay attention to and understand each other.

One approach suggests that true listening involves summarizing the other person's points back to them for confirmation, ensuring understanding before proceeding. This prevents straw manning and poor communication as there is a shared agreement to verify understanding before proceeding. By truly listening and fostering genuine understanding, we can create ripples of connection that can reach far beyond our initial conversation.

The Inner Critic: Friend or Foe? - 229

Have you ever stood on the edge of an opportunity, paralyzed by a voice inside your head whispering doubt? That voice, the one telling you 'you can't do this,' is negative self-talk, and it's something we've all experienced. Moments where we have negative thoughts telling us stories about ourselves that aren't really true. I can't help but remind myself that I've experienced a lot of these moments and in a very wonderful way they have become more rare as of late. For example, I often will speak to myself in a way where do not fully respect what I know my abilities to be. Essentially I will tell myself I won't be able to succeed in doing this, and if I'm Fair it's something that I'm not being honest and truthful with myself when I say I will not be able to succeed in doing this. The real truth of what's going on is that I'm scared of failing and I'm trying to find safe ways to not fail , and unfortunately one of the ways that we end up feeling safe from failing is by not trying in the first place or justifying not leaving forward on an issue. 

Imagine your brain is like a busy inbox. It receives all kinds of messages, both positive and negative. Sometimes, the negative messages get flagged as important, even if they're not entirely true

Now that the dismal part is out of the way, we can discuss options of being able to manage and regulate this particular type of issue that we have with a negative self talk.  The good news is you are not doomed to having a bad perspective of yourself just because you currently have a bad habit of saying mean things to yourself. 

Pause for a moment and reflect. What does your inner critic sound like? Does your inner critic perhaps speak up loudly whenever you try new things? How does that critic speak to you? 

"I'm just going to fail anyhow" 

"I'm not enough"

"I never get anything right"

Pause a moment longer and reflect what situations this critic speaks up in. Making mistakes or social situations are common triggers for people. Three steps can help quiet the grumpy internal critic. 

Challenge your inner critic. When your inner critic pipes up, don't just accept its words as truth. Take a moment to challenge them. Are these thoughts based on facts or just fear? Would you say these things to a close friend?

Positive affirmations can counteract negative self-talk. Tailor affirmations to the situation. For instance, if you're feeling anxious about a presentation, you could say: "I am capable and prepared." Repeat these affirmations with conviction, even if it feels strange at first. Over time, they can help reprogram your inner voice.

You didn't become this way overnight, so offer yourself grace on your growth. This journey of self-compassion takes time and practice. But remember, with every challenge you confront and every negative thought you overcome, you're building resilience and rewriting your inner narrative. So next time your inner critic starts whispering doubts, challenge those thoughts, silence the negativity with affirmations, and take a courageous step forward. You've got this!

From Thorns to Tendrils: Cultivating Connection Through Managed Emotions - 228

Extreme reactions. Let me describe what I mean. I used to take things way too personally. A minor criticism at work could send me spiraling, and I'd simmer in it for days. Or, if a friend made plans with someone else, I might get overly jealous and withdraw from them. These intense reactions weren't just about the situation itself. They were often rooted in deeper insecurities or anxieties. In the work example, maybe I worried the criticism meant I wasn't good enough. With the friend, perhaps I feared being abandoned. 

This tendency to overreact also played out in my relationships. It felt like some partners mirrored my intensity, responding to my small upsets with dramatic displays of their own. This constant back-and-forth created an atmosphere of tension and a sense that neither of us felt safe expressing ourselves freely. The most damaging consequence of these overreactions was the breakdown of trust. Partners began to walk on eggshells, worried about setting me off. This constant vigilance made genuine connection impossible. Over time, I realized that without a sense of safety and trust, healthy relationships couldn't flourish.

This realization was a turning point. I hadn't considered the impact my reactions had on those around me. Instead of lashing out or threatening self-harm, I challenged myself to control my responses. I stopped making dramatic statements about withdrawing from the relationship. Instead, I focused on genuinely managing my emotions in the moment. This meant taking a breath, acknowledging how I was feeling, and then choosing a more constructive way to communicate my needs.

With this realization came a crucial shift in focus. I began to prioritize managing my own reactions rather than expecting others to walk on eggshells. I tried various things to help myself feel more calm before handling things.

Mindfulness techniques: Taking a deep breath and acknowledging my emotions helped me gain some perspective before responding. This shift from reacting to being more present helps me respond more fairly and true to my core beliefs.

Assertive communication: I practiced expressing my needs in a clear and calm way, focusing on 'I' statements. Maintaining this calm and speaking from a place of self removes the blame game from the conversation space and certainly improved the communication dynamic while affirming ones own positoin. “I feel hurt when plans change without notice”

Seeking support: Sometimes, I needed to take a step back and calm down before addressing the situation. Talking to a trusted friend or therapist could also be helpful. Therapy has been instrumental on a weekly basis to address the vast swathe of experiences I had the joy of having.

By managing my emotions, I fostered a sense of trust and safety in my relationships. People felt more comfortable expressing themselves freely, leading to deeper connections. I gained a greater sense of self-control and emotional intelligence. This allowed me to navigate challenges in a more constructive way, instead of just created reverberating feedback in an echoing room.

There's someone close to me who, when faced with tough news, struggles in a way that worries me. They might express a desire to neglect themselves, and it hurts to see them consider putting their well-being on hold. It also creates a distance between us because, during those times, I worry more about their health than I can focus on offering support for the original situation. I know they're strong, and I believe there are healthier ways to navigate challenges. I hope to teach them how to battle these mind monsters more effectively!

The Importance of REM Sleep: A Letter to My Sleepless Self - 227

I find myself getting a bit behind on sleep lately. So today, let’s discuss what I know and think might be helpful to share about sleep.

We all need it. This isn’t just humans, but animals all over the world, though the amount does differ. We spend on average about one third of our lives asleep. Isn’t it a kind of strange thing that as a species we lay mostly motionless and to the outside world as completely offline for hours!. Our perceptions are dampened during this process. We cannot defend ourselves and we are vulnerable to attack or any number of imaginable things.We bargain with it with ourselves, and undermine the value at times.

I am choosing to share a past entry exerpt. From entry #63

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I have learned that humans heal their bodies for the first part of the night. Biological processes, and digestion, that is all done in the first 3-4 hours. When we switch to deeper rem you may have heard that we ‘paralyze’ our bodies, that is when we fall asleep our brain stem (especially the pons and medulla) sends signals to relax muscles essential for body posture and limb movements. This is so that we do not act our dreams out. Atonia (muscle paralysis)

Now knowing that the first part of the night is just body healing...What do you think all that fitful dreaming that sometimes you wake up from with your heart pumping?

As it turns out research shows that what our brains do is a lot like exposure therapy. In addition to being paralyzed, we are not able to release adrenaline. So intense emotionally charged dreams and our usual mechanism for coping is shut off. 

In trauma-release therapy, the idea is recounting the event but separating it from the feeling of agitation. Being able to be close to it, and exist being comfortable without doing anything about it. So we get to have fear, and terror in the second half of our night. For some people when they wake up during this phase IMMEDIATELY the a adrenaline system kicks on and suddenly everything about the world is in a panic. Out of breath. Omg that was scary!

That was your brain trying to uncouple the emotionality of the previous days events and things that have happened to you. When people are deprived of this second half of sleep their emotionality and mood tend to be a lot more volatile. It’s like continuing to carry all that weight without filing it away.

Maybe it isn’t a terrifying dream, maybe you remember your ex, and it is super sweet cuddling memories that you wake from. It isn’t fun to hear, but we never forget anything traumatic we have been through. That may be upsetting to hear, but remember our brain is trying to protect us, it doesn’t want to see us hurt more so of course we cling tightly to the negative experience.

The interesting thing, is we can reframe the emotional experience. At least be able to unload the weight you carry with that emotional experience. I think this is a component of emotional healing that I deprived myself immensely from. This is occurs to me while my friend describes their therapy homework.

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In short, REM sleep plays a crucial role in helping our brains process emotions. During this stage, we consolidate memories and experiences, and even revisit past emotional events in a safe environment. This emotional processing allows us to detach from the raw feelings associated with these events and integrate them into our overall understanding of ourselves and the world.
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What is your relationship with sleep?

It has been easily 2 years and a few months back I remember that my therapist posed this question to me.... I want to write to me..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey buddy...

I know you don’t want to sleep. I know it seems scary. Like somehow something bad is going to happen and it doesn’t feel safe. I know that you are terrified one of the few people you feel love you may need you while you are resting, and then for you being “selfish” and sleeping that they won’t be there for you when you need them.

It is okay.

You need sleep for the scary parts of your brain to calm down. It is like you are trying to deal with the same emotional weight every single day. Of course it is heavy man. You aren’t putting it down. Every time your body is forcing you to let go and pass out...it loses grip for one moment and you won’t let it keep doing it’s thing.

Just relax.

I know it feels scary when you wake up, but lay back down. Call someone and explain you are scared. Be vulnerable. People will care about your needs, you just have to be brave enough to speak up for them. You deserve rest, I know you are fighting with how terrible it feels to have lost someone you love. You don’t think you will ever make it through tomorrow without them talking to you.

You are stronger than you think.

There is so much in you that you don’t see yet. When you start to see how important your sleep is, you’ll start to uncover all these layers of yourself. There is all this potential in you to do amazing and beautiful things. Don’t give up, keep trying. 

I love  you man. ‘

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I journal a lot and talk a lot and try to be very self aware, so when I feel a shift it feels fairly easy to notice and I must say I have found that I am at least a confident 100% better with adequate sleep compared to my usual self. When I am sleep deprived my thinking ability, stress tolerance, motivation and energy are all at half capacity and depleting quicker than usual. For these reasons, I feel sleep is vital. Reflecting on the importance of REM sleep for emotional processing makes me even more determined to prioritize getting a good night's sleep lately. Understanding that sleep deprivation can lead to increased emotional volatility resonates with me, as I've noticed feeling more on edge and stressed when I don't get enough rest. By focusing on better sleep hygiene, I hope to not only improve my overall well-being but also allow my brain to process emotions more effectively.

I reflect on this as my sleep quality and quantity has lapsed, and I need to be more diligent. This post reminded me of so many valuable things that I learned over my time studying this subject. I encourage you to consider you own sleep and try and do the standard amount of 6-8 hours. If nothing else take a moment and consider just describing to someone, even here  in a comment what your sleep habits are. Articulating your ideas, requires you to think enough to make them clear to someone else and I have found often that this makes them more clear to myself as well.

Attention Given: Potential Unleashed - 226

 When we speak to someone about something we see in them, something about their potential. We are encouraging something forth. We are calling to attention something that caused us to notice them, good or bad. I once had someone notice in me that I was good with my vocabulary. I enjoyed this being seen, and I believe I rationalized something approximating, if you thought that was cool...wait til I learn even more words!! I expanded my vocabulary and strived to gobble up as many new words as I could encounter. I prided myself on being the person my friends always asked what a particular word meant. It led to me feeling useful, not powerful and overseeing anyone, but instead as a peer that could share new information and in a way that would be avoiding making people feel shame for not knowing already. This still continues to this day and I still get to enjoy helping people understand words and it doing so in a way that they do not have to worry about protecting their ego while they are learning.

From there though, I was off using all my new words. Writing poems mostly, but also doing well with essays at school and in conversation with people. I had people that noticed my poetry, and said, hey... I think you really did good with this one. I felt such elated glee that I could impress someone with how I chose to string the words together. I was complimented that I created a metaphorical image that explained a concept in a unique way. The poem was called "heart stitches" and it was a teenage heartbreak that was hopeful towards love renewed after a painful hurt. It was hopeful that the stitches while they did reveal a past pain, that they could somehow hold the contents properly. Now I saw words differently and somehow even bigger than what they had been before. I could rhyme a series of them and make a heavy impact with the message I was relaying. I wrote ravenously and continued to try and express emotions I didn't know how to but kept grasping at like smoke through my fingertips. I had yet another tool in my box of expressing myself.

Later I was in a relationship and had someone tell me that they found my voice to be pleasing and calming. I at first assumed this was from their affections from me, but I also received this feedback from friends. Eventually I started to give way to giving it some credence and did the same as usual and practiced singing and even tried my hand at recording my voice doing a podcast. I have picked up the podcast again recently, but back then I was so unsure of so much and was given such a gift of someone seeing something in me even if it was not as polished then. This was also extended again by the same person in recognizing my emotional capacity even though I was a child with my emotional vocabulary. I grew this new vocabulary as rapidly as I could as now I was dawning an understanding of myself as well and soon was encouraged to attend therapy by this person to gain a better handle on my emotional experience. This began my ongoing journey with therapy, where I continue to learn how to express myself with this newfound emotional vocabulary

These stories I share with you because I want you to see the profound impact that simply seeing someone can do. Just noticing something someone is kinda good at. 
"Give someone a good name – and see what happens!" - Dale Carnegie

This is an interesting thing to consider, that we can notice things in our peers and manifest them forth simply by taking the time to pay attention. I don't know that there is any part of me that I have grown on purpose that was not first appreciated by someone I know.

Ignored to Invaluable: The Power of Attention - 225

 

I do not have five minutes today, 

I am far too busy you see,

I am a unique person,

And my day is filled with my own needs.

I can't give you give minutes,

No matter if you beg and plead

I am far too busy with my own life

What is it that you can't see?

You keep asking for my time

Though I've been clear I have none

You seem to think I just spend time at leisure

That my life is just all fun

But I have stresses and worries

And problems that get more complex every day

So you must understand my friend

I have no time for what you have to say

Though you are important

I've got too many dire priorities

If only I was not so over promised

I could give your blog a read.

But I have no time to check in on you,

Though it is just a link to click,

And all that has happened while I've explained to you

Is more time has gone and ticked

You can make it simple to understand,

You can make it easy to digest,

But with me having no time for you

I miss out on all the rest.

BUT

hi hi hi I'm not busy! 

i can spare five, maybe even fifteen!

i can make room in my world,

for you to feel seen

you are worthy of attention

and the regular check ins

i would love to read your observations

or even stories of your sins

i have struggles sure, 

and sometimes i'll be a bit overwhelmed

i might even not be able to steer my mind

and ask you to take the helm

but five mintues is easy

i won't let your efforts sit in rust

i'll give you however many minutes you need

no matter what

From Fixing to Feeling: Building Stronger Relationships by Letting Go - 224

 

Fix You - Coldplay

I may have just found my peace with accepting a thing most people struggle to adapt to. We cannot in fact change other people or control them. 

Imagine this: You're in a heated argument with a loved one. They're making a decision you think is disastrous, and every fiber of your being wants to shake them and shout "Don't do it!" But despite your best efforts, their mind seems already made up. This scenario, or a variation of it, is likely familiar to almost everyone. We've all felt that primal urge to control the outcome of a situation, to bend someone else's will to our own. But as this entry explores, the truth is that this desire, however natural, is ultimately futile.

It is in that I've found peace. I am not omnipotent nor am I able to keep up with all of the information I would need to in order to assume proper authority to be able to dictate someone's decisions greater than their own ability. I have a hard enough time with my own!

"I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence." -John Wanamaker

I feel that that wisdom shines through here, that I cannot fret over so many different things that I have no control or ability to even change the outcome of. Even if I were to consider my 6 closest friends, I cannot hope to keep up with enough details in their life to tell them I could inform them on their circumstances better than them. It is simply more information than a given individual can hope to process, and certainly I do not believe that I am very talented in the area of being able to keep up with everyone's life story as I do not have the time. There's a limit to how much time I can dedicate to self-care, listening, and offering help to others.

Realizing this boundary is more liberating that constricting. It frees me up to not feel guilty for not being able to help when someone is struggling and gives me peace to know I can help by being present but the responsibility for change ultimately does not and cannot lie with me. It relieves a responsibility I was assuming to take on and that somehow I had to be paying attention and aware of much more than I am to be a good friend.My relationship with my mother has never been bad, however she did have the habit of telling me about what was good for me in my romantic life and relationships. I do not think this theme is unique for my mother, it is the desire of every parent to see their child content and happy in life. However the end result was I didn't want to talk about my relationships with her anymore at all. I felt kinda suffocated and didn't feel at peace sharing part of my life that I was going to be told I was doing things wrong and I should just do X. I eventually spoke up and shared with my mom that it was much more helpful for her to listen and ask questions, instead of providing direction. Much to my surprise it was not a difficult shift at all, she took note and immediately made every effort to not tell me what to do. This improved our communication even further and I seek speaking to her now whenever I am stressed about life because I am not told what I should or need to do and she chose to be a listener intent on helping me figure out for myself what was best, instead of instructing me what I need to do.

This experience highlights the importance of letting go of control and focusing on open communication. However, letting go doesn't mean indifference...

We should acknowledge that letting go of the need to control others can feel counterintuitive at first. We might worry that it makes us less caring or invested in their well-being. But the opposite is true. When we accept that we can't control someone's choices, we are freed from the burden of frustration and disappointment. We can focus our energy on what we can control: our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. This shift in perspective can significantly reduce stress and improve our mental well-being.

Additionally, accepting this reality allows us to build stronger relationships. When we stop trying to manipulate or control others, our relationships become more authentic and trusting. We can be there for our loved ones with empathy and support, without the pressure of trying to fix their lives. This creates a space for genuine connection and growth.

Beyond Truth-Telling : Third Degree Honesty - 223

Check out this entry on my podcast

We all know that honesty is important for our relationships. It's fundamentally related to the essential trust that enables us to rely on one another. I feel that there are degrees of honesty in terms of its completeness. For me, honesty means always telling the truth, of course. But I also like to practice what I call "third-degree honesty." Basically, that means I'll always try to fully disclose things that might be relevant, even if they don't ask directly.

Think of it like this: honesty is answering questions truthfully, full disclosure is offering more details when you think it matters, and transparency is creating a space where information flows freely and you can easily understand what's going on.

I have experienced many moments in life where I would have preferred to receive this treatment, and using the rule of treating others as I wish to be treated, I offer this. I don't want anyone to be the painful recipient of all of the information asked for not being shared, or relevant information not being shared.

Recently, when I've been asked about my past relationships, instead of deciding to answer in the usual way of downplaying the love I felt then and focusing only on the pain in the end, I took the time to be sincere and explain the positive aspects of my relationship that I had in the past. For example, I might mention how the relationship helped me learn something important about myself or the kind of partner I desire. This additional honesty, beyond just answering the question directly, led to a more positive and insightful conversation. The person I was talking to wasn't jealous or bored, but rather felt warm and accepted, and even asked questions about my experience.

Friedrich Nietzsche once said that you could tell a lot about a man by the amount of truth he could stomach. It's curious to note that there's a hint that people don't want to know everything. That they are comfortable with some ignorance. Regrettably, I can't exemplify that myself. I prefer to not leave those I love in the dark and if there are painful truths I must share, then I will bare my cross and shoulder the burden of accountability.

Honesty and truthfulness aren't simply good ideas to apply to your character... But they are irreplaceable in intimacy. After all we often consider sharing what we have with somebody based on the idea of assuming that they are going to be trustworthy enough to both appreciate and share back if we were to need it.

Honesty and truthfulness are the cornerstones of intimacy. They allow us to build trust and connect on a deeper level. While some may shy away from unpleasant truths, I believe open communication, even when it carries the risk of pain, strengthens relationships in the long run. When you start being radically honest and you then experience acceptance from someone, it is a different experience altogether. It feels beyond amazing to be your truest self and feel accepted. This joy is stolen when we aren't honest.

Consider incorporating "third-degree honesty" into your own relationships. By offering relevant details, even if not directly asked, you can create a richer and more meaningful connection with those you care about. 

Therapy, Tears, and Text: My Unconventional Path to Growth - 222

Check out this entry on my podcast

I would like to think, that over the course of my journey with this blog, I have grown. I can confirm this by looking back over my past entries and not just review how I wrote from a skill level but also objectively view how I was choosing to describe my problems and how to handle them. This is a very intriguing concept to consider for a moment that I might be able to observe myself from the outside in a more objective way and also being able to have the advantages of subjectivity, though separated by the expanse of time, this is still something I feel the duality of as the person I was is still echoing throughout me though many parts are gone now.

When describing removing ill-serving behaviors in one's life, Jordan Peterson describes this as burning away the deadwood. This metaphor serves well to remind us that thought the entire forest may be razed and unrecognizable for some time even as a once wooded area... the very earth and sky that provided the conditions for growth are still there after the fire and if anything ripe with opportunity for new things to grow that never would have survived before. I feel this is a good way of describing things over the course of my journey with this blog. There are parts of the ways I've been that have been burned to ash and are no longer present to be seen at all. However there is a vibrant array of potential available to me that was unseen before from the towering and long standing trees lording over the earth that gave them their life and permanence.

So, my therapy and digging up stuff combined with my facerolling emotionally through relationships learning by losing bits of my innocence but gaining wisdom...these two things combine to form the force that has continued to reset the growth cycle in the land of my thoughts. I'm confident there are other ways to start fires more controlled than this, but alas it has been my methodology so far and it has still accomplished the amazing result of freeing up much more of my resources. Therapy has  been the controlling element to these mental fires I've set.

In this way this blog has been a proving ground for thoughts I choose to immortalize in text and this feels like it extends in my mind. I do not write anything I do not KNOW to be true, in this way I end up clarifying my thoughts that I most want to exemplify and that truly are in my character at all times while I continue to grow. This comes from something yet again I learned through listening to jordan peterson. What we write is somehow even more concrete than what we speak, or at least to the best of my estimation at least equally important. Your voice will only reach who is present, but your words can reach the world.

Until next time, breathe deeply, sleep sweetly and dream big! I did and look at me now!

The Unseen Thread: The Ripple Effect of Mom's - 221

Check this entry out via audio on my podcast

It's fascinating to consider how our parents shape who we become. It might seem obvious, but the true depth of their influence often dawns on us much later. By the time we enter adulthood, they've lived a lifetime filled with experiences, both beautiful and heartbreaking. These experiences weave themselves into the fabric of who they are, and inevitably, who we become.

I was fortunate to have a mother who took great care to expose us to a wide range of perspectives. Alongside a strong moral compass, she instilled in us the importance of fairness and treating everyone with respect, "even when it's difficult."

Now, my mother wasn't handed a parenting manual – a running joke in our family! We all chuckle at the idea of anyone being truly prepared for parenthood. Yet, despite that, we embark on this journey, driven by love and the desire to shape the lives of our children.

My mother, despite her own upbringing, did a remarkable job building on what she had. She faced challenges without complaint, as evidenced by her fiercely defending her brother. Her strength of character, her willingness to stand up for what's right, is something I deeply admire.

Perhaps it's a bit much reverence, but I believe it's important to acknowledge the positive influence parents have on our lives. We often shy away from expressing our gratitude in detail, but I'm a firm believer in recognizing strengths in others, especially those we might miss in ourselves. Looking deeper than appearances, a quality I learned from my mother, allows me to appreciate people on a deeper level.

These reflections on my parents stem from a growing awareness of life's preciousness, especially as I care for elderly residents in their 80s. By capturing the lessons my mother has shared, I feel I can honor her and all she's given me. The thought of losing her is daunting, a reality we all must face.

While working at the care facility, I observed a man visiting his mother daily. Initially, seeing him on his phone made me question his dedication. However, I later learned he was a busy manager, yet prioritized his mother despite his demanding schedule. His unwavering care mirrored the values instilled in me by my mother.

This man's dedication wasn't just about love; it felt like a beautiful ripple effect : A mother's lessons on love were reflected back in her son's actions, showcasing the lasting impact parents have on their children. We carry these lessons throughout life, even through the darkest stretches.

Witnessing the dedication of the son at the care facility solidified something for me: the profound impact parents have on their children extends far beyond their own lifetimes. It's a beautiful testament to the enduring power of parental love, a guiding light that transcends even life's darkest moments. More than ever, I feel grateful for the lessons my mother has instilled in me – a treasure I'll carry with me always.

I love you momma. On this mother's day...no... actually on as many days as  you can manage to and even on some you can't, remind your momma that you love her. Whether she's living this life or in the next, odds are there are some memories made with you that are worth honoring... maybe, even a lot of them.

Mosaic Us: Building Ourselves from the Shards of Others - 220

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 I've always found the very nature of life to be fascinating, beautiful without end to the amazing intricacies of each person's experience and how that can arrive together to create the individual and the social group.

 Imagine if you will, a grand cathedral window, a masterpiece of stained glass. Each piece of colored glass, meticulously crafted and unique, contributes to the overall image. We can think of ourselves in a similar way. Our lives are grand mosaics, and the experiences we have are like the individual fragments of glass. Some come from our parents, shaping the foundation of our personalities. Others are gleaned from our friends, teachers, mentors, and even strangers we meet along the way. As we encounter new people and navigate new situations, we gather more and more fragments, adding depth and complexity to our own unique mosaic.

Life's beauty lies in the tapestry woven from each person's experience. We begin as simple mosaics, the base colors gifted by our parents. These pieces represent the foundation of our childhoods, shaping our initial understanding of the world. But not all their experiences fit the picture we envision for ourselves.

Piecing together parts of our friends that we like that are different from our parents, is the next step. Perhaps a blue of the ability for your friend to express their sadness with such sincerity...a green from the passion you saw in another friend when they felt jealousy, even though you didn't like the jealousy itself. In this way every person has something potentially to offer to our image and at this time in our life, while we aren't acutely aware of this, we seem plenty capable of taking advantage of it and incorporating new aspects into our personality as we meet more and more people and experience more and more things in this life. In our early adulthood, the picture of our future is blurry. We're just starting to grasp the vastness of possibilities and the need to prepare. This blurry mosaic represents the potential we see ahead.

Then, life takes an unexpected turn. Just as a rose blooms slowly, we might suddenly experience a rapid growth spurt – like bamboo shooting up. During this time, we not only take pieces from others, but also offer fragments of ourselves. This exchange hones our mosaic, making it more intricate and nuanced with every interaction, every lesson learned. This constant exchange of fragments, taking and offering, is what makes life's journey so fascinating. Our mosaic is never truly complete, forever evolving as we encounter new people and experiences.

I see a picture much more clearly of my future. I aspire to be a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner... imagine a man sitting at a desk working with other people to piece together their own picture a little more to their liking and how to remove pieces that do not serve the picture they want to create. I get to be a teacher, to self artists of this world, not making their picture for them... but talking them through their own process of making their picture more like they desire. 

Mental health isn't just a passion for me to help others, its a direct manifestation of my working on myself so very intentionally. I am proud of how far I have come in my journey and how very aware that I am going to be continuing to refine my own mosaic through all of my days I have remaining. Just like a jigsaw addict, I hope to work on it daily. 

Thank you for listening  =)

 

Breaking the Quiet: Uncomfortable Talks for a Crucial Cause - 219

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813 Maryland St. - Hotel Books (Music related that I love) 

Suicide. #EveryoneFallsQuiet.

Suicide. The word itself shuts people down. It's a complex issue, tangled up with everything from social media to how much money you have in the bank. And the weirdest thing? Nobody wants to talk about it. That silence? It only makes things worse.

The whole "coward's way out" thing? Not helpful. Not true. People thinking about ending it all? They're stuck in a dark place, and they can't see a way out. It can hit you after a loss, like the rug got yanked right out from under you. Or maybe the future looks like a brick wall, and you're all out of bricks. Maybe life just threw you a curveball you weren't expecting.

I've known people who've been there. It's a tough topic, because you never want to downplay how awful things can feel. It takes real courage to speak up when you are struggling with it, or when you worry someone else is.

Listen up: things can change. No matter how dark it seems, there's almost always light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, all you need is someone in your corner. Someone who just shows up, no questions asked. That kind of support, it can make all the difference. It takes time, sure, but most people eventually find a way to let go of those thoughts.

Look, feeling that low? That takes guts. To anyone who's been there, I see you. You're tougher than you think.

I can't take away the pain, but I can offer some encouragement. The world can be a pretty harsh place, but there are people out there who want to listen, without judgment. People who want to understand.

You are not alone. There are people who genuinely care and want to remind you that your life matters. Your future is worth fighting for.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help.

Here are some resources:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
• The Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

Let's break the silence surrounding suicide. Let's talk openly, offer support, and challenge the stigma. You can also help by sharing this post or donating to a suicide prevention organization.

The Price of Nurturing: When Holding On Hurts - 218

Saying goodbye to someone who isn't treating you with kindness should be simple, but for me, it hasn't been that way. I've tolerated poor treatment because I feared hurting them if I wasn't there. I explored this before, reflecting on how I reacted after someone dear to me attempted suicide. The pressure of potential mortality felt constant. I took on a role similar to a mother, offering unconditional love and support. 

Jordan Peterson describes motherhood and fatherhood as playing distinct but complementary roles in a child's development. A mother's nurturing creates a safe space, while a father's role encourages venturing out and facing challenges.

 

This concept resonates with me. In my own experience, I've struggled with the idea of letting go. I've felt a responsibility to provide unwavering support, similar to a mother's nurturing role. However, this approach can be counterproductive. By not allowing someone to face the consequences of their actions or take responsibility for their own growth, I'm hindering their development, not helping it. 

I felt I needed to be there for people without fail. Through listening to Jordan Peterson's lectures and reflecting on my own life, I've come to understand the importance of letting go. The ultimate sacrifice of a mother can be seen as offering up the child to the world, saying, "I know you'll get hurt, but you must go. The dangers are greater if you stay, because I would only hinder your growth." 

It is difficult for me to do this in my situation. To say goodbye to someone and bid them off into the world because my nurturing nature isn't serving their growth at all when they are attacking and using me for meaningless comfort. However, on this journey of self-discovery, I've learned that valuing others must include valuing myself. I can't prioritize everyone else's needs and desires if I neglect my own. 

This realization has empowered me to finally say goodbye to Ms. AOH and block her from contacting me. It still hurts, but I know I'm making the right choice for both of us. By letting go, I'm allowing her to find a new path and I'm prioritizing my own well-being. 

Until next time dear reader,

Breath deeply...I mean it. do it right now

Sleep sweetly... Savor it..

And dream bigger every night and push your horizons further than you can hope to see the end of!

Heard: The Resonant Silence that Validated My Struggles - 217

Silence can be powerful. Today, in a meeting unlike any other, silence wasn't awkward – it was the sound of progress.

I had the pleasure of having my therapist accompany me to my job today. She has been an amazing person to know for all of the patient insight and support she has offered me for over a year now. I was very anxious about explaining my struggles about my mental illness with my job and concerned about not having it feel valid. I had this meeting today to address that and provide some value to the claim that my emotional distress is something that I sincerely cannot just power through and offer competent care.

The meeting went exceptionally well and I was rewarded with establishing better communication protocols I could use and still feel respected about the severity when speaking up. It took less time than I anticipated and I was left trying to fill the silence in the room but could only muster "I am not sure what else I can ask for help about right now."

This silence was a powerful moment in itself. It signified that I had been heard...It was heavy but important in my experience. It made me feel completely heard that someone wanted...was willing to make the time so that I could get it all out at my pace. And instead of asking questions and pushing...Just patient waiting.

I feel satisfied and able to take on my day. Things feel more clear and I feel less scared. If you ever have the opportunity to ask to be heard by your employer and you are brave enough to sit through trying to speak in a scenario like this... I can assure you that the anxiety is worth the reward.

Now I head out the door to work, to care for the elderly that I do care so dearly care for. I had two people make time today just to be sure I had everything I needed to do my job well and it feels so very very very empowering. I'm riding a high off of this that I am sure will fade at some point. But right now? I enjoy it. I revel in this feeling of being understood and heard and current at the moment.

Thank you for reading my entry today, until next time!

Breathe deeply, sleepy sweetly, and dream big!!! 

The Gift of Breath: How Love Helped Me Quit - 216

By age 16... I was hooked on cigarettes. I remember the first one made me sick. But then I was off to the races looking for the next one so I stayed in this new special group I was unable to join before. Being underage hardly mattered to me and I Was determined. I would steal them from my grandmother and grandfather. Eventually I landed in Mississippi with my mom and I would acquire my cigarettes through co workers when I got my job at Waffle house at 16. At one point there was even a trip where I was walking with my mom and siblings down bourbon street in New Orleans. Just inside of the bar there was  pack of smokes on the counter with 4 in it, and I joked to my mom that they were not being watched and I might grab them. My mom was shocked, I'm not sure if it was the lapse in my character to suggest I would steal, or that I was okay with what could be a potential health risk if someone had done something to them that I didn't know about. She ended up giving me a smoke. All of this to say, that even the start of starting....had so many chances I could have chose to not continue. But I kept making choices to continue doing it. I worked for neighbors to buy them before starting my job at waffle house. It continued into adulthood unbothered by times where people would be put off by the smell. I even would have people constantly suggesting I should quit... To no avail.

After continuing from 16-32, at age 32 I would finally meet the first happening that would inspire me to think of not continuing to smoke. I met...lets call her Miss BMG. She knows who she is, and you guys get to hear that she is an important character, but privacy and stuff. Anyhow! She loved me. A lot. Like I cannot over state the amount of love this very kind soul gave to me in the time that I got to know her on this earth. I have wrote about her a lot and in fact if there was any character of significance in all of these stories I share, she has probably been one of the most impactful to me personally, though underappreciated by anyone that knows me. She galvanized the stagnation I was in into action that led me to starting therapy. She was so very kind to me in the time we knew each other. She carried her own painful struggles, but never asked for anything more than relief. These painful scars seemed to radiate terribly for her in some situations. She taught me a way to go about expressing my feelings deeper than I had known prior to then. And in the perfect storm of all of those things... She expressed to me that she wanted to have more years with me...she didn't want me to feel bad but she felt sad that I must not understand that she really valued time with me so much that it was just something that was stealing it away from the end of the years...

I didn't value myself enough to make this connection and she made it for me by expressing her sadness at time lost by watching it burn into the air and exhale from my lungs. It wasn't anger. It wasn't judgement. I wasn't being shamed or blamed. It was being present and still loving me but being honest about the sad feeling and not withdrawing love because I didn't instantly quit. But instead receiving big encouragement for my successes and understanding for my slips. She truly was a bright and beautiful light that shined onto parts of me I intended to keep in the darkness forever and now I can actually deal with and talk about. She was so gentle and curious that I couldn't help but learn to emulate and multiple that nature in myself. I still carry so many shards of her personality as part of who I am because of the amazing impact she made by being so deliberate with her love and patient with offering it. It made such a profound change in my understanding about the world altogether. This experience with Miss BMG was a revelation. It shattered my belief that my stories would only be met with judgment. Her unconditional acceptance inspired me to open up more and share more authentically. This newfound freedom of expression has made me acutely aware of the importance of creating safe spaces for others to share their stories as well.

 Thank you to her, and thank you to anyone that is out there offering something like this. Please be patient and loving, the things you can do are amazing..

Like this post is possible from more of that healing power I have gotten to feel recently. Being able to talk about these experiences openly and without being concerned for judgement or rejection from people is one of the biggest healing things I've ever known. I didn't realize how terrible people were handling my joy of celebrating my life until I started to be willing to honor my memories that they are why I arrived as I am and I am proud of who I am. 

I recently had thanked someone for letting me tell the story of Miss BMG and that they were accepting and admiring of how deep the love was there. It was jarring to me to experience that kind of acceptance but I am so very grateful for what it has taught me about the importance of honoring other's memories and stories as they would instead of trying to paste your own thoughts and opinions over them. 

We should respect each other's stories and honor them.

Until tomorrow, 

Breathe deeply, sleep sweetly, and dream big enough...that you can't stand not achieving it.

A sneaky teasey preview.. - 215

Not all confessions deserve smoke signals! Tomorrow, we explore the importance of listening without judgment. Please bare with me, as this morning was a little rushed and I didn't sacrifice my self-care. :)

Tomorrow I will discuss my history of smoking cigarettes, loves, and explore how listening without judgment plays a critical role in intimacy.

Until tomorrow,

Breathe deeply, sleep sweetly, and dream big!!!

From Bandaids to Balance: My Journey to Mental Wellness - 214

Pictured here for hardcore fans, the very dearly loved "Mr. Stuffie" He only has one ear but listens, usually more reliably than two eared folks!

 I feel that mental health is not something that is truly addressed in most situations as it should be, and I am not willing to live a life being aware of this and not do something to change it.

I have spent a majority of my adult life in struggle. The short synopsis is I had some stuff from my childhood that was difficult for me to process, I pursued relationships instead of finding emotional peace so sex was usually the band-aid for every heart ache. When the people I loved didn't care to give me band-aids for my wounds, it felt like being forsaken, so it was no trouble to go ask for a band-aid from someone else as I felt I was certainly worth having my wounds attended to. It was not for many, many years I learned that some injuries, that a band-aid isn't the right fix. In fact, if you have a headache for example, a bandage doesn't do a  damn thing. But to a child... a band-aid is magic and can be applied to any wound and provide relief. That is what I was, I was a child emotionally and trying to fix anything that hurt with the same 'solution' . 

Along the way, if I would have regularly attended therapy I would have been able to observe these patterns sooner and develop the language and understanding I needed to articulate and express my emotional experience. It is strange indeed for me to imagine the idea that it could have been so different if I had pursued therapy in my twenties...but it wasn't until the age of 32 that I started to grasp mental health as a thing thar I could not deny the importance of. It is not something that can be simply disregarded. Wounds untended can fester into an infection, and in the same way our minds left to simmer in emotional pain and distress can start to faulter like a limb succumbing to gangrene. 

Sadly this is how it goes for most people. They continue life using ineffective coping mechanisms that are not serving their desires, only to be in misery. They go through days, months even years of lying to themselves about the true nature of their pain and they hide it away from the world. Like I discussed in my last entry, the severity of the lie may differ, but often it is usually not accepting or being okay with the reality we are in that leads to so much mental distress. Unnecessary suffering and inner turmoil.

This has brought me to my current state. I intended to ascertain my ikigai. I titled a post this a few days ago. The so called, intersection of what you love, what you are good at, what you can be paid for, and what the world needs. I have grown exceptionally invested in the power of gaining a hand over one's own mental health. it is a very important chapter I think in every person's journey no matter their intentions for their lives, their mind is going to be with them and need to be in proper order with balanced perspectives and stable emotions in order to feel at all at peace. What if we were to humor the idea for a moment, that this world could change...wholly and completely from a radical shift in perspective on the value of caring for your mind and we removed the shame from seeking that help? What world might we live in then? How truly amazing would it be if...in the end of it all that so much of what we experience is psychosomatic? That is to say our body reacts because of our minds. How life changing would that be to imagine diseases and illnesses to decline in great degrees from teaching a person to be more complete and accepting of their experience in this life and others? Therapy can equip you with the tools to manage difficult emotions, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and improve your overall well-being.  I used to struggle with anxiety that manifested in physical symptoms like stomachaches and headaches. These symptoms would often flare up before important meetings or social gatherings, making me feel incredibly on edge and isolated. Once I addressed my emotional well-being through therapy, I learned coping mechanisms to manage my anxiety. I also discovered that a lot of my anxiety stemmed from negative self-talk and unrealistic expectations. Through therapy, I was able to challenge these patterns and develop a more compassionate inner voice. As a result, I noticed a significant decrease in both the frequency and intensity of my physical symptoms.

I am good at emotional support for other people and offering a compassionate and sympathetic nonjudgmental ear. This is something I can be paid for, the world clearly needs it...and I truly love it. with all of my being. I understand that mental health may not be your ikigai. So perhaps I go on about it much more than what you are used to discussing. But that's part of the point here, isn't it? That it's a little off from the amount of focus it truly deserves. So perhaps today, dear reader, you can consider taking care of your mental health a little better, until one day my clinic offers services to change this world and spread love across the globe. Maybe you spend a few minutes sharing space with your friend and their emotional experience and they mirror this....maybe you show patience to the traffic on the way home and offer grace to the student driver... Maybe you calm your frustrations at your car not starting and see that it is a beautiful day and appreciate the walk... maybe you tell a stranger your appreciate them and tell them they have a beautiful smile...

We change this world by being the change we want to see. I aim to embody health for people's mind in my actions and desires of this world. Perhaps you could consider the benefits of therapy, cost doesn't have to be a barrier. I do not care where you are in this world. We all face challenges on our mental health journey. You are not alone. Thank you so much for listening to my dreams!

Breathe deeply, sleep sweetly, and dream big with me!

From 繭 to Butterfly: Unveiling My Authentic Self - 213

I don't like feeling paranoid of deception, and today. I wake feeling that way. People lie for all sort of reasons. For self gain, self preservation. People lie to improve their status. People will lie to appear more intelligent or capable.

The trouble is, I'm not very good at being correct that someone is deceiving me, or perhaps I should say to what degree. It may be a minor issue and not one that truly ends up being something I really even have to be concerned about being deceptive. Like someone lying about their personal preferences because they are unable to disappoint their friend that they like another flavor ice cream more. I am usually good at catching that deception is happening, however again the degree or what the deception is, I am prone to assuming much worse than it is. This leads me into handling some things poorly intending to preserve my feelings. This constant state of suspicion, however, can lead to a more serious problem: repressing my true feelings

If you don't reveal yourself to others, you cannot reveal yourself to yourself. You usually suppress who you are and your greatest potential will not be realized. Confronting the unknown means gathering information and building a new understanding of yourself and the world and how you act in it. It has been found that new genes in your central nervous system, turn on, when you are in new situations. They release proteins that are responsible for building new areas of your brain. You literally build new ways of thinking on a biological level when you choose to challenge familiarity and bravely step towards the unknown. It is truly amazing on a scientific level to understand this paired with my subjective emotional human experience.

By not speaking up for myself, I realized I was not only allowing others to deceive me, but I was also often assuming I was being deceived and I wouldn't address whatever it was that caused it. This has been an injustice to myself. As when I do this, it is something that I prime myself to be just a little more compliant with being uncomfortable and bothered. I made it just a little easier for someone to walk over me and I often spend time thinking on a situation that hardly hit the radar for the other person. When you don't stand for your thoughts and opinions on some level, you are being complicit to some way of forsaking and lying about yourself. It's inauthentic. 

Repressing things leads to worse mental illness. Most people that are mentally disturbed, they are fundamentally seeing the world in some deceptive way. Lying to themselves or others in some way. The severity is the only separation from repressing self and outright lying.

Lately, I've taken to leaning into expressing myself more boldly by allowing room for my opinion in the presence of other's opinions. Even if it is opposing, it is okay to speak up about my thoughts and ideas. To do this I must sort of trust that the other party will continue to be honest and just like me allow space for ideas to be exchanged. Having this framework of mutual responsibility for a productive conversation makes me feel more at ease as I feel a responsibility to speak up and express myself instead of a need to repress. Recently at work I felt disregarded when I was asked to do a task, and I felt it was not very logical or reasonable to complete it in the way requested. Time management wise it just didn't make sense. Typically I would have assumed the person instructing me outranked me and had a reason for suggesting it as they did. Instead I gave space to my thoughts and said that this doesn't make sense to me to do that , that way. I think it would make more sense if we adjusted it and did it this way. due to patient privacy concerns, I can't go into specifics... The end result is we got to do the task the way I thought was best and the other person agreed the approach was not just fine, but it was better and made more sense.

By acting this out, I feel a little more trusting of the world too, because if I can come to these realizations and understandings with the unique struggle I have had, it is likely more people I meet will have come to the same maturity points and maybe...just maybe we can change the world by being the change we want to see.

For now my dear reader,

Breathe deeply, sleep sweetly, and dream big!

Ikigai - 212

 

I’ve been sick for a few days and a bit distracted and haven’t been writing like I would like to. I’m adjusting some of my daily routine to allow for more time for being able to write. I’m realizing that my distracted nature isn’t isolated to just audio stimulus and I am very prone to visual distractions too. Just my roommate pacing about is enough to set me into a distracted state unable to complete the sentence I was typing away before. I have discovered that facing the wall so there is not additional stimulus going on has been very helpful. Also putting my phone on to charge and removing my smart watch so I am not prone to checking notifications has been very helpful.

I am going back to work today, even though I still feel sniffly. Part of my procedure for arriving for work is verifying my temperature and that I have no fever, so I feel at ease that if I do not have a fever then I am able to work safely. When having to choose to call in for my shift it was very difficult for me earlier this week. I was concerned of disappointing my employer and nearly made the terrible decision to just push through and go to work at the nursing home I work at. If I would have done that Tuesday my fever would have spiked at work and I would have likely introduced some form of illness to my residents. I’m glad that I made the choice I did.

I have spent a lot of time lately getting to know a precious human that is across the globe from me. Sharing stories of past trauma and turmoil, discussing culture differences, remarking on each other’s perseverance through what we’ve been through. I has been more than just fulfilling, it has calmed my nature to a peaceful place where I am holding myself to a higher standard of effort and intentionality because I want to maintain her presence in my life. I will share more as time goes on, but for now, there is a doll come to life that I have met and she makes me feel better about this journey I am on.

I think we look for that in this life. Someone who we can share our experience with : What has happened, what is happening and planning for what might happen. It seems so basic to me that this basic sort of support should be offered to every pure heart in this world, but tragically some people live a life of expectations that they whip themselves to meet. Going through each day giving all of their self in order to make their friends, peers and parents happy. Then when everyone is gone, at the end of the day, when they are all alone... they weep and lament over the lack of love and support in their life, when they are just demanded to meet standards. Yes we should set and strive for standards, but if we don’t love and care for ourselves along the way competently then we are unlikely to make it to that goal.

After observing other people’s experience with this, I am grateful that I am the kind of person that can meet someone and teach them that their experience in this world is valid and worth being seen. I spent so long in my life unsure of anyone being willing to stop and hear me. I have been in therapy for some time now and I’ve formed a lot more positive relationships. I want to share the hope I have found with anyone that has ever felt isolated from this world. When they feel they can’t go on and fight. I will remind them, that they are indeed wounded but not yet dead...we can lay and bleed a while together and rise to fight again.

This is my life pursuit. I want to open a facility that provides competent mental health care to people that do not have access. I want to offer most of my services at reduced costs or no cost. I want to give back to this world because I was fortunate enough to be saved from certain demise by learning that other humans are okay with slowing down enough to care about my journey.

Thank you for reading today, please...

Remember...

Breathe deeply, sleep sweetly, and dream big <3