I know I've experienced this feeling in the past. It represented a lot of different things in my mind when I felt this. There was confusion, hurt, anger...a desire to change or control things. I've been in relationships where I've felt this. I was certain that I was giving my all, and getting nothing like that back. Maybe even nothing at all. When I think about it even now the idea of expressing affection and it falling flat, it hurts internally to even imagine. It feels like rejection and rejection is an old friend of mine that I do not get along with.
What is rejection? It is the very concrete reality of not fitting the bill or quite measuring to the other person's needs or desires. It's a social nudge that part of ourselves might not be in alignment with the standards that are set before us. Rejection is painful for most, but I feel especially vulnerable to it. I often construct a lot of my perspective of me from the value I can bring to the world around me. At times that has been a very small ring of influence, so the value that I'm able to achieve even is limited to those I could glean personal merit from. Even with more people being in my life, it's stayed consistent on feeling like my intrinsic worth has been tied externally for as long as I can remember.
What do I know about assigning my value externally? I know that it tends to leave me feeling pretty powerless. I know there is some reality that the quality of person we are will effect people's willingness to accept us. So I guess I'm trying to tool my personality at times concerned for what the world will accept of me. I'm not willing to sacrifice everything about myself of course, but it does cause me to wonder if there are things I need to work on. I don't think this is negative reflection as much as honestly inventorying my personality for defects that are not serving me or those around me.
So what can I do now, about rejection having been through the experience I have? How can I handle it now that I have a better understanding of the moving pieces? Well, there are things that I can easily admit I'm working on. Like my emotional control and for some people emotional expression is a problem. I don't want to type eloquently here and present that my thoughts are always so coherent, there are times when I can hardly articulate a sentence about what I'm feeling because everything is just too damn big. I know that this can result in people not wanting to be around me as much because of how they feel uncomfortable about emotional expression or their concern for my state of being. That reminds me that most of the time in those moments the people around me either care about what I'm going through, or don't possess the tools to sit with me when I'm not feeling great.
What's my takeaway from this journaling? I think, and over think a lot. I struggle with externalizing my value, but I have tools to navigate myself to steer my ship through the storms of life that I encounter. Even if it's painful, rejection indicates things not aligning and if I try and force them it's going to be more painful to undo later.
So today, I remind myself. My mantra that has carried me quite some ways.
Breathe deeply : every full breath helps clear your mind to think better
Sleep sweetly : every time you get your full rest you feel better
And dream big : your aspirations drive you, don't let anything stand between you and your dreams
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