By age 16... I was hooked on cigarettes. I remember the first one made me sick. But then I was off to the races looking for the next one so I stayed in this new special group I was unable to join before. Being underage hardly mattered to me and I Was determined. I would steal them from my grandmother and grandfather. Eventually I landed in Mississippi with my mom and I would acquire my cigarettes through co workers when I got my job at Waffle house at 16. At one point there was even a trip where I was walking with my mom and siblings down bourbon street in New Orleans. Just inside of the bar there was pack of smokes on the counter with 4 in it, and I joked to my mom that they were not being watched and I might grab them. My mom was shocked, I'm not sure if it was the lapse in my character to suggest I would steal, or that I was okay with what could be a potential health risk if someone had done something to them that I didn't know about. She ended up giving me a smoke. All of this to say, that even the start of starting....had so many chances I could have chose to not continue. But I kept making choices to continue doing it. I worked for neighbors to buy them before starting my job at waffle house. It continued into adulthood unbothered by times where people would be put off by the smell. I even would have people constantly suggesting I should quit... To no avail.
After continuing from 16-32, at age 32 I would finally meet the first happening that would inspire me to think of not continuing to smoke. I met...lets call her Miss BMG. She knows who she is, and you guys get to hear that she is an important character, but privacy and stuff. Anyhow! She loved me. A lot. Like I cannot over state the amount of love this very kind soul gave to me in the time that I got to know her on this earth. I have wrote about her a lot and in fact if there was any character of significance in all of these stories I share, she has probably been one of the most impactful to me personally, though underappreciated by anyone that knows me. She galvanized the stagnation I was in into action that led me to starting therapy. She was so very kind to me in the time we knew each other. She carried her own painful struggles, but never asked for anything more than relief. These painful scars seemed to radiate terribly for her in some situations. She taught me a way to go about expressing my feelings deeper than I had known prior to then. And in the perfect storm of all of those things... She expressed to me that she wanted to have more years with me...she didn't want me to feel bad but she felt sad that I must not understand that she really valued time with me so much that it was just something that was stealing it away from the end of the years...
I didn't value myself enough to make this connection and she made it for me by expressing her sadness at time lost by watching it burn into the air and exhale from my lungs. It wasn't anger. It wasn't judgement. I wasn't being shamed or blamed. It was being present and still loving me but being honest about the sad feeling and not withdrawing love because I didn't instantly quit. But instead receiving big encouragement for my successes and understanding for my slips. She truly was a bright and beautiful light that shined onto parts of me I intended to keep in the darkness forever and now I can actually deal with and talk about. She was so gentle and curious that I couldn't help but learn to emulate and multiple that nature in myself. I still carry so many shards of her personality as part of who I am because of the amazing impact she made by being so deliberate with her love and patient with offering it. It made such a profound change in my understanding about the world altogether. This experience with Miss BMG was a revelation. It shattered my belief that my stories would only be met with judgment. Her unconditional acceptance inspired me to open up more and share more authentically. This newfound freedom of expression has made me acutely aware of the importance of creating safe spaces for others to share their stories as well.
Thank you to her, and thank you to anyone that is out there offering something like this. Please be patient and loving, the things you can do are amazing..
Like this post is possible from more of that healing power I have gotten to feel recently. Being able to talk about these experiences openly and without being concerned for judgement or rejection from people is one of the biggest healing things I've ever known. I didn't realize how terrible people were handling my joy of celebrating my life until I started to be willing to honor my memories that they are why I arrived as I am and I am proud of who I am.
I recently had thanked someone for letting me tell the story of Miss BMG and that they were accepting and admiring of how deep the love was there. It was jarring to me to experience that kind of acceptance but I am so very grateful for what it has taught me about the importance of honoring other's memories and stories as they would instead of trying to paste your own thoughts and opinions over them.
We should respect each other's stories and honor them.
Until tomorrow,
Breathe deeply, sleep sweetly, and dream big enough...that you can't stand not achieving it.
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