I’ve been sick for a few days and a bit distracted and haven’t been writing like I would like to. I’m adjusting some of my daily routine to allow for more time for being able to write. I’m realizing that my distracted nature isn’t isolated to just audio stimulus and I am very prone to visual distractions too. Just my roommate pacing about is enough to set me into a distracted state unable to complete the sentence I was typing away before. I have discovered that facing the wall so there is not additional stimulus going on has been very helpful. Also putting my phone on to charge and removing my smart watch so I am not prone to checking notifications has been very helpful.
I am going back to work today, even though I still feel sniffly. Part of my procedure for arriving for work is verifying my temperature and that I have no fever, so I feel at ease that if I do not have a fever then I am able to work safely. When having to choose to call in for my shift it was very difficult for me earlier this week. I was concerned of disappointing my employer and nearly made the terrible decision to just push through and go to work at the nursing home I work at. If I would have done that Tuesday my fever would have spiked at work and I would have likely introduced some form of illness to my residents. I’m glad that I made the choice I did.
I have spent a lot of time lately getting to know a precious human that is across the globe from me. Sharing stories of past trauma and turmoil, discussing culture differences, remarking on each other’s perseverance through what we’ve been through. I has been more than just fulfilling, it has calmed my nature to a peaceful place where I am holding myself to a higher standard of effort and intentionality because I want to maintain her presence in my life. I will share more as time goes on, but for now, there is a doll come to life that I have met and she makes me feel better about this journey I am on.
I think we look for that in this life. Someone who we can share our experience with : What has happened, what is happening and planning for what might happen. It seems so basic to me that this basic sort of support should be offered to every pure heart in this world, but tragically some people live a life of expectations that they whip themselves to meet. Going through each day giving all of their self in order to make their friends, peers and parents happy. Then when everyone is gone, at the end of the day, when they are all alone... they weep and lament over the lack of love and support in their life, when they are just demanded to meet standards. Yes we should set and strive for standards, but if we don’t love and care for ourselves along the way competently then we are unlikely to make it to that goal.
After observing other people’s experience with this, I am grateful that I am the kind of person that can meet someone and teach them that their experience in this world is valid and worth being seen. I spent so long in my life unsure of anyone being willing to stop and hear me. I have been in therapy for some time now and I’ve formed a lot more positive relationships. I want to share the hope I have found with anyone that has ever felt isolated from this world. When they feel they can’t go on and fight. I will remind them, that they are indeed wounded but not yet dead...we can lay and bleed a while together and rise to fight again.
This is my life pursuit. I want to open a facility that provides competent mental health care to people that do not have access. I want to offer most of my services at reduced costs or no cost. I want to give back to this world because I was fortunate enough to be saved from certain demise by learning that other humans are okay with slowing down enough to care about my journey.
Thank you for reading today, please...
Remember...
Breathe deeply, sleep sweetly, and dream big <3
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