New day... my oh my a new day for me.
I have spent a very long time in life attempting to find someone like the young lady I have met recently. I am sure that I will have entries that reflect my thoughts and feelings in greater detail but the short status update here is that I am not on the market any longer for anyone, I am not looking for a relationship, and I am content.
My life has been a blur of stories that I have amassed. A tangled ball of yarn woven out of bitter regrets and hopeful dreams. There is so much that I have been through and often times I have found myself unsure about the value of the growth I was going through.
I hold the mantra that I want to grow through, what I go through, no matter what. I mentioned this a few entries back. I recently sustained a pretty substantial heartbreak and I never imagined I would tolerate feeling affections for anyone after that. I am glad that I was wrong. I feel that I know that in this life there will be ups and downs. I was explaining the phrase “to every cloud there is a silver lining” and how that is something that is a bit of a specialty for me. That I find the good in the bad. I sort of often assume that everyone defaults to this and forget that I took a very long time of intentional work in my thoughts to not be bitter and twisted up about everything I’ve been through.
I have been working adamantly on myself this past week and I had a couple of slips. One of which was becoming emotionally overwhelmed with the recent heartbreak and crying so intensely that I as sent home from work. This was embarrassing, I even had a friend of mine making light of the situation like I needed to just toughen up to make it through things. I started to feel some offense then I remembered one of the 4 agreements I’ve tried to keep with myself. I will not take anything personally, if it is offensive the statement made represents the speaker’s internal world more than anything, not me. A reflection of them hurled like a spear.
So I will give myself grace, that some days are difficult. Just like being sick physically we can become too ill mentally to work effectively or with a responsible conscience. I will focus that my job understood my situation and held no ill will with giving me the time I needed to work through my stress that was overwhelming me.
It’s difficult to find my peace between what people say and think... And what I feel. It is a very deliberate effort to try and reduce the impact of other’s point of view but I feel it is a necessary difficulty to hold on to your own hopes and dreams of yourself.
For now, I bring this to a close and I hope that you have had a day that you can stop and write something that you learned from something difficult
Breathe deeply, Sleep sweetly, and dream big dear reader.
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