Do not cast pearls before swine - 206

The quote invokes a certain caution. I understand it as do not spend your time giving wisdom to someone who isn't interested or able to receive it.

Of course I had heard this in my life before, but it didn't really occur to me what it meant. Allow me to explain something about myself, I do not discriminate easily who to offer support, knowledge and kindness to. I see it as in order to get it to those that truly need it, I should offer it universally and without conditions. I often times have spent a great deal of time and effort intending to help someone, in the way that I could understand the help they wanted anyhow, and would time and time again watch as my carefully constructed efforts were dismissed without consequence. 

This quote calls to attention the idea that there are some that won't even be able to see the pearls of our wisdom for what they are. Now I'm not saying let's go calling our fellow human a pig, however it seems they possess the same intellect to accepting insight outside of their biases and self involved interests. 

Dogs here are the scavengers, not the same ignorance as the pig. They are more deliberate in their maliciousness and attempting to take from you convinced it is their only survival or at the very least an easier more effective way to stay alive. Why do I need to hunt when I can just take what you caught? 

Ignorant and unable to understand what you are offering, or willing to tear it away from you for their own exclusive gain.... These very people I've met. It's strange to consider it but there are people that do just this. Either have their bubble so small and attenuated to their own needs that they don't even notice something good and precious. Or the ravenous appetite that steals and consumes purely off the effort of others. I find myself wondering now... If this could help me stop being nice, and start being kind. 

Being kind is choosing to do something good for someone else. But being nice is almost like you don't know a different way to be and your are locked into such a deep people pleasing that you'll neglect your own needs for others because your need to be accepted out weighs everything else.

I hope you will consider with me until you read again next time, how can we set boundaries to keep our kindness from being taken advantage of? 

Breathe deeply, sleep sweetly and dream big 💜

Blaming - 205

 

I have been the target of blame in a lot of moments in my life. It is fair to say there are times that this is accurate, and times it is not. When it comes to refining my character in response to, I always assume the blame that is given to me is given appropriately. I don't usually try and debate and argue or make excuses, just sort of shoulder it. I don't think I'm some martyr carrying great weights, but I feel that I don't put up very much resistance to being the person held responsible for something, as opposed to holding others accountable.

I am not sure why it is that it feels easier other than the idea maybe that I am within my own realm of control and the only real thing I can guarantee influence over. Sort of being able to control the conflict. I even have observed myself assuming accountability of things that were not mine that had occurred in work environments just to quiet the anger of whoever was upset. Thinking of that objectively in this moment unless I approached whoever in fact made the mistake I don't really do any service to the person I'm assuring and providing a scapegoat for their anger to fizzle out on. 

I remember growing up feeling like I was significant emotional support to my mom. I don't regret this or disparage upon it, but I do at least wonder what it would have looked like if I was not so outwardly concerned for how other people were feeling. Fuck. Tears.. I value these moments when they come and show me I struck something meaningful. Let me share a story of a boy that was in the 7th grade...

The twelve year old boy's room was two doors away from the bathroom at the end of the hall. Between listening to Casey Kasem and soft rock, his evenings were punctuated by the sounds of quarrels between his mother and her fiance' . Tonight was one that had went like many others, lots of yelling crying and cussing before a door slammed and everything was quiet, signifying someone had exited the argument. He heard weeping, and knew that he had left and his mother had stayed. Some time went by, before he heard the sounds of his mother's cracked and weeping voice calling her for her son. He had talked with his mom through her tears of casually explaining it was going to be okay many times. He knew the drill and got up from his radio and appraoched the bathroom. 

Upon entering he found his mother weeping, but the trasparent tears were not the only thing he took note of, she was brandishing both wrists, a bright deep dripping red that had been cut fairly deep and was asking for help. I don't believe that the young boy knew much medically beyond putting bandaids on a wound. He applied what little medical supplied he could to control the situation... in a calm haze while his mother apologized profusely. He continued to work to finish what he could with the occasional instruction between sobs and apologies. He hugged her after he finished helping her. She assured him she was okay now and got him back to bed. 

He didn't speak of it nor did she for years. He .... I seemed to carry something from that though. That there was a crisis level to someone else's needs potentially behind something that seemed familiar and certain. So even if it seemed like something not related to my responsibility for something... I seem to desire to be the one to step up and be responsible in situations because maybe the one responsible for causing the damage isn't there or willing to fix it. I felt hypervigilant of other's health...especially this new thing mental health that I didn't even know could become that bad . Then somehow mine became bad by trying to be everyone's someone so they never had to experience this.

I know that I can't be everywhere at once, I've known that. I recently had to learn in life that I have even more limited time and energy to give to people. In fact what I give away to others and keep from myself leaves me often deprived. I feel I have a lesson to learn in effort put into this world, and what I deserve in exchange for the support that I've learned to offer so intensely and lovingly.

Breathe deeply, sleep sweetly and dream big! <3

Forgiveness - 204

 Today's post will be about forgiveness. First a short introduction to what it is, and why we do it. What is forgiveness? Is it forgetting that someone has wronged you? Or is it releasing the anger and hurt that someone has caused you? Or could it be both? 

Forgiveness is a complex emotion that can involve numerous factors. It may be helpful to think of forgiveness as a process that includes both forgetting and releasing. 

Forgetting the wrongdoing can be a way of releasing the anger and hurt that it caused. 

However, forgetting does not necessarily imply that one forgives the person who committed the wrongdoing. It might be more accurate to say that one releases the anger and hurt that the wrongdoing caused.

Carrying around this hurt is like keeping a ball and chain around your ankle. Your brain fires the thought process and you relive it and feel like crap all over again. It breathes life back into you to let go of what someone was that wronged you. They aren't that person anymore. They may do some of the same things but either let them go or let them grow into their new life and allow them the dignity of seeing them as possible of growth.

Fresh beginning - 203

 8:08 AM

Maybe this will be enough to have peace from harassment.

I took the time to try and plan out my day. Like a regular recurring schedule? Yeah, not the easiest thing to commit to. I woke up today with two things for the first hour. 30 minutes to wake up and orient myself and hydrate, followed by thirty minutes of of walking for physical activity to get my blood flowing and mind moving. Coffee is arranged after this first hour, however. I didn't nail it.

I woke up. The time I allowed for waking was about right I think. I had time to review my sleep app from last night. But instead of walking I started coffee, finished pouring a cup and have sat to write. I do feel a minor win here as I am not scrolling through my phone. I avoided my walk because it was very cold out.

11:38 AM

I return to writing after organizing some stuff, brushing my teeth and shaving. I have missed writing and even if today is a simple entry it is good return to some sense of normalcy.

I have to work today and tomorrow and I'm off Wednesday for my therapy. 

Monday is always a nice day because my spotify discover playlist refreshes and I get new tunes. It has been hella reliable after building up a like list over 3200 songs deep. 

I have followed my schedule fairly well and hope I continue to improve. Who knows I might be the next Immanuel Kant! 

It is going to take me 6 years for my current life plan. It is going to involve extensive education and effort. The end result will be my own practice ; I will be able to write prescriptions, do intake evaluations, and provide therapy to my clients. I can do this independently or develop a practice with a team. Either way about it, my salary is projected to be $117,000 for the low end, with the top side of the profession stretching over $160,000. I feel that this should be an income that is should be enough to provide for a stable life.

I'm excited for the potential of this for me, as I've struggled for many years with a very menial income. The idea of being able to provide for a family is not just socially responsible it has always been a true core desire of mine. It feels good to give myself credit that I can realize my dreams. I guess this is kinda like what it is to be believing in yourself independent of what anyone else has to say. :)

Breathe deeply, Sleep sweetly... and Dream fucking big. <3