I have been the target of blame in a lot of moments in my life. It is fair to say there are times that this is accurate, and times it is not. When it comes to refining my character in response to, I always assume the blame that is given to me is given appropriately. I don't usually try and debate and argue or make excuses, just sort of shoulder it. I don't think I'm some martyr carrying great weights, but I feel that I don't put up very much resistance to being the person held responsible for something, as opposed to holding others accountable.
I am not sure why it is that it feels easier other than the idea maybe that I am within my own realm of control and the only real thing I can guarantee influence over. Sort of being able to control the conflict. I even have observed myself assuming accountability of things that were not mine that had occurred in work environments just to quiet the anger of whoever was upset. Thinking of that objectively in this moment unless I approached whoever in fact made the mistake I don't really do any service to the person I'm assuring and providing a scapegoat for their anger to fizzle out on.
I remember growing up feeling like I was significant emotional support to my mom. I don't regret this or disparage upon it, but I do at least wonder what it would have looked like if I was not so outwardly concerned for how other people were feeling. Fuck. Tears.. I value these moments when they come and show me I struck something meaningful. Let me share a story of a boy that was in the 7th grade...
The twelve year old boy's room was two doors away from the bathroom at the end of the hall. Between listening to Casey Kasem and soft rock, his evenings were punctuated by the sounds of quarrels between his mother and her fiance' . Tonight was one that had went like many others, lots of yelling crying and cussing before a door slammed and everything was quiet, signifying someone had exited the argument. He heard weeping, and knew that he had left and his mother had stayed. Some time went by, before he heard the sounds of his mother's cracked and weeping voice calling her for her son. He had talked with his mom through her tears of casually explaining it was going to be okay many times. He knew the drill and got up from his radio and appraoched the bathroom.
Upon entering he found his mother weeping, but the trasparent tears were not the only thing he took note of, she was brandishing both wrists, a bright deep dripping red that had been cut fairly deep and was asking for help. I don't believe that the young boy knew much medically beyond putting bandaids on a wound. He applied what little medical supplied he could to control the situation... in a calm haze while his mother apologized profusely. He continued to work to finish what he could with the occasional instruction between sobs and apologies. He hugged her after he finished helping her. She assured him she was okay now and got him back to bed.
He didn't speak of it nor did she for years. He .... I seemed to carry something from that though. That there was a crisis level to someone else's needs potentially behind something that seemed familiar and certain. So even if it seemed like something not related to my responsibility for something... I seem to desire to be the one to step up and be responsible in situations because maybe the one responsible for causing the damage isn't there or willing to fix it. I felt hypervigilant of other's health...especially this new thing mental health that I didn't even know could become that bad . Then somehow mine became bad by trying to be everyone's someone so they never had to experience this.
I know that I can't be everywhere at once, I've known that. I recently had to learn in life that I have even more limited time and energy to give to people. In fact what I give away to others and keep from myself leaves me often deprived. I feel I have a lesson to learn in effort put into this world, and what I deserve in exchange for the support that I've learned to offer so intensely and lovingly.
Breathe deeply, sleep sweetly and dream big! <3
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